I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
