my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
