I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
