are you so shy because you have an std?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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