So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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