I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
