Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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