I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
