Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
