soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
