I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize