What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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