Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
