By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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