He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
