So drunk its hurt
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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