The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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