If i come over, it means nothing
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A+ Viking dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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