I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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