So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
