You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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