ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My pussy is not your playground.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
