i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
