haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
