thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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