the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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