Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
