i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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