The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
