Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
