I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
