I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
