i was born a porn star she said
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
