The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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