Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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