HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
