just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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