Got a toothbrush?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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