too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
