so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
