HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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