I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
