I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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