my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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