I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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