you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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