One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
zippers are such a cool invention
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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