Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
