Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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