I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
