everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You have to summon your inner elephant
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize