I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
