I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
