i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
