alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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