So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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