you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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