I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
