btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
