I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
