If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
