Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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